The Emperor's New Clothes?

TiT "to supply Japanese military" with new clothing after success of camouflage demonstration to Emperor Akihito, Commander Kevin Cheeks announces.

Tactical intelligence and Technology Chief, Commander Kevin Cheeks, this afternoon announced a new contract with the Japanese military, worth £45m, to supply 45,000 units of TiT's innovative new battledress uniform to the Emperor's elite personal guard. The announcement follows a visit to Skarsdale last week by Japanese Emperor Akihito at which the head of state was said to be extremely impressed.

The uniform (pictured) was designed at TiT's Swazborough HQ in Herefordshire and will be woven from gold and manufactured on site in what seems a surprisingly small, purpose-built new production facility. Commander Cheeks said "for some time I have been thinking that an invisible uniform would be a useful battlefield addition - and it has taken a man with the wisdom and foresight of Emperor Akihito to take a punt on our latest product. This contract demonstrates once again that TiT are absolutely on the front line of technological advances in modern warfare".

Has Nemesis met its nemesis?

Project Nemesis bioweapons project put on hold as entire 2009 budget spent tracking the prototype.

A setback in TiT's flagship bioweapons development was announced today as General Barry G Klepper admitted he had pulled future funding for the project while "Nemesis 3" was still at large. "Nemesis 3", thought to be a dangerous and highly trained genetically modified bio-soldier, escaped from its secure facility at TiT's Skarsdale HQ last week and is believed to be at large somewhere in the Home Counties. Police in 5 counties are on full alert and the public have been warned not to approach the creature, who could be disorientated and is potentially lethal. General Klepper also said TiT's military personnel were working "round the clock" to try and trace the creature and that they were cooperating with the police and other government agencies in their search.

In a separate incident, Hertfordshire police are investigating after several members of the public reported an apparently unsupervised child wandering through Tring wearing nothing but a nappy. Police have warned the public not to approach the child, who may be dangerous, but to contact them instead.

Project Nemesis is TiT's high profile, top secret bioweapons project, an attempt to develop a genetically engineered soldier - the ultimate killing machine. The project, launched two years ago, has been mired in difficulties and is currently two years behind schedule and enormously over budget. Two years ago TiT created Nemesis One but, unfortunately, it killed everyone in the facility and ran off. Last year, Nemesis Two was unveiled, billed as the ultimate killing machine with a conscience. Unfortunately it also killed everyone in the facility and ran off, although it did later phone up to apologise. Now it appears that not only has there been a further error with the DNA slicing sequence but also that there have been disastrous lapses in TiT's on site security. A full investigation has been launched.

The Eli-Phants have landed

Saudi's order 79 "Eli-Copter" Armoured Elephant Personnel Carriers from TiT subsidiary, TiT Holdings (Jersey) Ltd.

In an unusual move the Saudi government today announced a contract with TiT worth 2 million barrels of oil over the next five years. The contract, being seen by industry insiders as some sort of 'golden handcuffs' exclusive development deal, is initially for an order of 79 "Eli-Copter" Armoured Elephant Personnel Carriers from TiT subsidiary, TiT Holdings (Jersey) Ltd.

The move is unusual partly because TiT are being paid in oil, partly because of the secrecy surrounding the contract and partly because the Eli-Copter is an untested innovation which is essentially still in its development phase. TiT chief Commander Kevin Cheeks private comments on the deal were reported last week when he was overheard at a dinner party saying "if the Saudi's are stupid enough to throw all this oil at us for a handful of elephants, we'd be equally stupid not to accept it." Cheeks publicly retracted his reported comments the following day.

A TiT development brochure describes the 'Eli-Copter' as "a natural choice for infantry deployment". TiT engineers have based the Elephant strategy on the famous tactics of Carthaginian general Hannibal, who led an Elephant squadron in an unforgettable campaign against the Romans and, although the campaign eventually ended in catastrophic defeat, TiT's development team are confident that they have backed the right horse this time.